more thoughts on trying to be something you're not

(see previous post, "public nudity and trying to be cool").

"what happens, is our lives become so heavily oriented around the expectations of others that we become more and more like them, and less and less like ourselves...... i am not defined by what i am not." -rob bell

"your job is the relentless pursuit of who God has made you to be. anything else is sin and you need to repent of it." -rob bell's counselor

i just watched the movie "pleasantville". part of me always feels offened by this movie. but part of me agrees with this movie. the movie seems to portray the pre-fall days on earth as being innocent in dumb, boring, foolish way. and 'sin' entering the world made it risky, and fun, and fulfilling. there is so much symbolism in this movie; wrong and right, predjudice, discrimation, sex, love, extra-martial affairs. it's both confusing and thought provoking. the movie ends with the idea that you need to let out whatever it is that is inside of you.

hmm. i guess the problem with that is every single person on this earth can admit to doing at least one thing wrong- one thing that they regret. why? because it was inside of them. they thought it, if even for a second, it came into their mind and they did it. and there were negative consequences. i think that we can come to the conclusion then that not everything inside of us is always good. we need a filter of some kind.

so, we know or feel or dream that there is something in us that is not coming out, at least not all the way. something that others may misunderstand about us or that we just can't express. and maybe we can't express it because we don't really know what 'it' is. i guess that i think that what is inside of us really should come out, just as this movie indicates. but i also think that what is inside of us is being held hostage by something else. something bad. i think that maybe we confuse the kidnapper for the hostage. if inside you want to have an affair and think you are in love with someone who is not your spouce, to act on that would not be letting your true self out, it would be letting the 'kidnapper' out, with the real you still held hostage inside. the real you that still wants to be let out wants not that other person nesessarily, but is desiring the idea that that other person could bring them true, totally satisfying, uncondidional, exciting love. needs that their marriage is not meeting, nor could could ever meet completely.

this makes a good case for asking the question, 'how do i get my true self out?' i think the answer lies in asking the one who made us in the first place. who better would know? as i have stated in previous blogs, we fear God so much that we make conclusions about Him that are false. we think that how He made was done in an assembly line fashion, stuffed into a mold and then popped into an oven. it's so not true. but we have to go to Him to find that out. we often would rather go on in what we are doing, even if we are not truely happy because it is safe and predictable. but do we want to be predictably unhappy? w.h. auden said, "we would rather be ruined then changed." maybe this is why jesus says, blessed are the poor in spirit, blessed are those who mourn, blessed are the meek, blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, blessed are those who are persecuted. blessed? maybe they are lucky (modern translation) because they have nothing to loose. they are already empty. nothing can make their situation worse. so they have nothing to loose by going to God for His help. anything, anything they could recieive from Him would be a gift. a gift, not a sacrifice as it would be for so many of us whose lives have been relatively comfortable and pain-free. we only fear God would make our lives worse. they can only hope for things to get better.

how do i get my true self out? how do i liberate my hostage dreams for myself? maybe the answer is to go to Him. to go to Him and be empty enough of the fear that holds us hostage that we can hear Him. it takes some bravery. maybe the kidnapper is fear. fear that we will never find what we are looking for. fear so that we must frantically search and grope for what we need. fear that there is not enough to go around and we must push everone else out of the way. fear that we have already missed our chance.

it's not true. there isn't only "so much to go around".
the Jesus said, "I am the bread of life. whoever comes to me will never go hungry and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." john 6:35
either thats true or it's not.
the best way to find out is to ask.
Jesus did say, "ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find." matthew 7:7