sorry for the current irony

the title of this blog is truthhope and ironically, lately, i feel like i have offered nothing but cynicism. that's just where i'm at right now, i guess. i wish i had something really beautiful to say today to inspire you (or myself), but i have nothing. it is really hard to get time to cultivate beauty inside of myself because i am so busy. and i don't mean busy as in 'i volunteered for 20 million things and now i'm too busy poor me". i mean, i knowingly decided to have a baby with my husband and ever since my life has been ransacked by a 2 ft. tall dictator. i really had nooooooooooooo idea. no idea. whatsoever. no idea. oh man............
trying to keep a house clean (which isn't actually happening), trying to take care of my 24 hr a day, 7 days a week boss, and trying to keep hold of my husband's hand in the midst of all this is, well, exhausting. by the time i have some free time i am too tired to even read a book or pray or whatever. plus, i know that there is more laundry or floor mopping that needs to be done. so then i feel guilty. i sometimes envy people who don't have spouses or children (no- i take that back- i do not envy people who don't have spouses. being married is AWEsome.). i guess there are trade-offs: freedom to come and go vs. coming home to an empty house. having to take care of someone vs. getting to take care of someone. the excitement of dating vs. the comfort and safety of someone seeing the real you and loving that completely. getting to spend all of your money on yourself vs. well... there is no downside to that! ;) i don't buy myself clothes any more. i always end up in the baby department- at least she looks good.
ok. the point i am trying to make is that i am sorry if i am depressing anyone reading this blog. i'm sure that soon i will have lighter things to write about. i just don't right now.
if you want to feel happier, read one of my earlier posts.

read this if you want to scare the beegeezes out of yourself. and then feel better. (maybe).

in 'searching for god knows what' by author donald miller, miller talks about how jesus did not come as the jews thought that the messiah would come. they expected a political powerhouse, a king, born into power to take over the world for the jews, god's chosen ones. but instead, the messiah came in the lowliest of circumstances- seemingly illegitimate, poor parents, born in a manger, not tall, dark and handsome, etc. miller talks about how difficult it would have been for the jews to shirk the ideas they had about the coming messiah and put their faith into jesus of nazareth. miller then poses the question,

what if jesus's second coming is the same?
what if he doesn't come at all the way we have pictured?

the jewish scribes had poured over the scrolls for hundreds of years and still never saw jesus coming. how likely is it that it will be the same the second time around? what if jesus comes again, to arkansas? what if he is hard to recognize, because we have been expecting something different?
we have books and books and theory after theory, and diagram after diagram as to how we think (or some even claim to 'know') Jesus will come back.

the jews were wrong.
is it possible that we are too?

this really puts into perspective how the jews in Jesus' day must have felt. the dilemma they must have felt! their relatives said Jesus was a crazy man! (david koresh, anyone?) they said he was mentally ill! they said he was demon possessed! haven't all of these things been said through the centuries about individuals who show up, claiming to be the messiah? what a difficult place to be.
there is something i am suspecting, though. just a thought. maybe knowing someone is different then just hearing about them or reading about them. maybe in the presence of false messiah figures one just knows. maybe doubt is a very different feeling then suspicion. i know in my life, the true, true, pure times i felt Jesus' presence, literal presence with me, i had no doubt. he is deep, and tangible, and fully good. He is a life changing experience.

maybe this is how we will know it is Him. in the bible Jesus says, 'my sheep know my voice'.
his voice. it is deniable. it is avoidable. but it is recognizable to those who have been listening to it.

it's hard, but maybe we don't need to be afraid. maybe i need to be quiet and listen.

girl crap- i thought we were done with this

Maybe this is going to come out really bad but I am going to say it anyway. I HATE girl competition. Especially the fake eating disorders. Girls who always order their food last so they can order less then you. Girls who say, "Let's go get dessert." and then change their minds once you've ordered yours. Girls who go to the bathroom immediately after eating. Every time. Girls who "don't like whole milk". Girls who blot the grease off of their pizza. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The need to be skinnier. Prettier. To always win EVERYTHING. To be tanner. To have more clothes. To be liked by more boys.

I know girls like this (obviously). One of them used to be my roommate. At the time I was struggling with my own weight issues and she was always playing these mind games with me (as listed above). But she never knew about my personal struggle because I wasn't trying to get attention. In college it is difficult to find a way to throw up in the bathrooms because they are public, multi-stall bathrooms. But I figured out a way. I would lock my bedroom door, make myself throw up in some tupperware container and then hurry down the hall to the bathroom, flush it and then wash it out. It was awesome. So cunning. My point is that my issue was very real. i wasn't trying to make others think I had a problem. I wasn't always running to the bathroom after meals.

So now, when I feel like a girl is competing with me in this way, I struggle with being really angry. Really, really angry. It's hard too, because I don't want to call them out on it because 1) I don't want to give them the attention they are trying to get and 2) I don't want to tell them about my struggle because I feel like everyone and their brother claims to have had an eating disorder. It is sooooooooooo annoying to me. Plus, some of that stuff is so subtle it would sound ridiculous and petty, "You always order last so you can order less the me" ? No, you can't do that. But girls are subtle. But subtle enough to be obvious.

Ok!!!!! You're skinner then me!!!!! I am fatter then you!!!!!!! Hooray for you!!!!!!!! Just leave me the hell alone!!!!

As girls we struggle with our weight so much anyway, just from our own judgments of ourselves. Why do some girls feel the need to do it to other girls too?!!! There is one girl in particular right now that is driving me crazy. (There's always one, isn't there?) I have been successful for a while now in dealing with my weight issues, I haven't made myself throw up for a long time now, but she is causing me to remember and think about it again. I don't want to give her that power, but it is such a weak spot and she is someone I cannot avoid. Plus, I like her, other then this.

I just hate the competition. And I am definitely not talking about sports. I thought by now (I am nearly 26- oh wow) that girls would be mature enough to not do this anymore. Maybe most are. I just happen to have one in my life right now who isn't.

I mean this nicely (I think) and truthfully: If you are reading this and you are one of those girls- knock it off. It is hurtful and you never know who is genuinely and privately struggling. And if you are a girl who is genuinely, privately struggling- write me:


I trust you, God. I choose to trust you. Something foundational, at the core of me says to. I trust you to show me truth. No, not even that, if it is not your best for me. I choose to trust you even if it means I will have no knowledge, not insight, no understanding. I choose to get over myself and my need to feel in control; to know details and context and correct interpretation and translation. I want to rest in simple trust. Child-like faith. Cleanse my heart of the debris I hoard. Sweep it out of me. I will trust you because I do know this: you are good. Knowledge can only go so far. I know because I am at a dead end. Not that I am even close to knowing everything. But in this maze I am at a stand-still. Which is a good place to be I think. In a weak voice and with tired eyes I say, "God? I trust you."