Maybe this is going to come out really bad but I am going to say it anyway. I HATE girl competition. Especially the fake eating disorders. Girls who always order their food last so they can order less then you. Girls who say, "Let's go get dessert." and then change their minds once you've ordered yours. Girls who go to the bathroom immediately after eating. Every time. Girls who "don't like whole milk". Girls who blot the grease off of their pizza. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The need to be skinnier. Prettier. To always win EVERYTHING. To be tanner. To have more clothes. To be liked by more boys.
I know girls like this (obviously). One of them used to be my roommate. At the time I was struggling with my own weight issues and she was always playing these mind games with me (as listed above). But she never knew about my personal struggle because I wasn't trying to get attention. In college it is difficult to find a way to throw up in the bathrooms because they are public, multi-stall bathrooms. But I figured out a way. I would lock my bedroom door, make myself throw up in some tupperware container and then hurry down the hall to the bathroom, flush it and then wash it out. It was awesome. So cunning. My point is that my issue was very real. i wasn't trying to make others think I had a problem. I wasn't always running to the bathroom after meals.
So now, when I feel like a girl is competing with me in this way, I struggle with being really angry. Really, really angry. It's hard too, because I don't want to call them out on it because 1) I don't want to give them the attention they are trying to get and 2) I don't want to tell them about my struggle because I feel like everyone and their brother claims to have had an eating disorder. It is sooooooooooo annoying to me. Plus, some of that stuff is so subtle it would sound ridiculous and petty, "You always order last so you can order less the me" ? No, you can't do that. But girls are subtle. But subtle enough to be obvious.
Ok!!!!! You're skinner then me!!!!! I am fatter then you!!!!!!! Hooray for you!!!!!!!! Just leave me the hell alone!!!!
As girls we struggle with our weight so much anyway, just from our own judgments of ourselves. Why do some girls feel the need to do it to other girls too?!!! There is one girl in particular right now that is driving me crazy. (There's always one, isn't there?) I have been successful for a while now in dealing with my weight issues, I haven't made myself throw up for a long time now, but she is causing me to remember and think about it again. I don't want to give her that power, but it is such a weak spot and she is someone I cannot avoid. Plus, I like her, other then this.
I just hate the competition. And I am definitely not talking about sports. I thought by now (I am nearly 26- oh wow) that girls would be mature enough to not do this anymore. Maybe most are. I just happen to have one in my life right now who isn't.
I mean this nicely (I think) and truthfully: If you are reading this and you are one of those girls- knock it off. It is hurtful and you never know who is genuinely and privately struggling. And if you are a girl who is genuinely, privately struggling- write me: reeves.morgan@yahoo.com
Day 28. Path.
15 years ago
1 comment:
I remember us talking about this one night at NWC. After that, I would always notice little things that girls would do, the kind of things you wrote about.
It's sad, really. There's this sort of "standard" that a lot of women seem to have the need to live up to, and not that many - guys or girls - seems to wanna ask the fundamental question: who's perpetuating this "standard" to begin with, and why should they be trusted?
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