Wow. The power of choice. I am going to be very transparent here, so here goes.
A while ago, actually years ago now, someone really hurt me. Immediately following, I assumed that I would have the opprtunity to speak with this person and have some closure. during this period of about three months i felt that i desparately needed to get some answers and at least speak to this person. It never happened. he wanted nothing to do with me. i swore i would never be a girl like this: i was so pathetic during these few months. i would watch sad movies (hope floats- in the movie she has everything going for her and finds out her husband has been cheating on her, so she goes back to her hometown and has nothing. she cries and pukes and sleeps. it was like looking in a mirror. sandra bullock and i were very good friends that summer.) my circumstances were this: i had just finished my sophomore year at a college six hours away. none of my friends were anywhere nearby. to compound the situation i had was transfering to a new college for the coming fall. i didn't know the girls i would be living with (except one). there was a #1 country music song on the charts that summer by julie roberts that summed it up exactly for me:
"i'd sure hate to break down here,
with nothing up ahead or in the rearview mirror.
out in the middle of nowhere, nowhere,
i'm in trouble if these wheels stop rolling.
god help me, keep me moving somehow,
don't let me start wishing i was with him now.
i've made this far without crying a single tear,
so i'd sure hate to break down here."
curcumstances took he and i to different cities. i chose to pretend he ceased to exsit. i began to heal. i moved on.
within weeks of being at my new university i met the man i would later marry. he was standing at the end of the driveway i was walking up. my roommates and i had been invited over to some guys' house that i didn't know to watch the iowa v. iowa state game. he was standing outside with a football in his hands. tall. blue eyed. handsome. looking right at me. that afternoon he invited me and my friends to drive out to an outlet mall with him. we accepted. the next day he univited everyone. except for me. that hour long car drive was life changing for me. literally. but that is a segway into another story i will share sometime in another blog. this blog is about something entirely different.
that summer had been amazing for me. i ran everyday. and lost a ton of weight. i learned that running is a great way to purge out anger and hurt and hurt and hurt. i spent hours with God on my front porch swing, reading the bible and praying and journaling and sometimes crying. i have never felt closer to God. i felt God's pleasure with me. i felt broken and humbled and that felt so so so good. it's what everyone fears and i wish i could tell everyone how good it felt to be there, limp in my Father's hand. i so often wish i could recapture that time. life is just so busy now. i knew this guy had not been right for me, it's just that i couldn't stop the pain. even once my mind came to a place of peace, my heart still stung at the thought of him. it had been a two year relationship and i guess that's what happens when you put such an investment in someone.
i can see now that God had to break my hand to get me to let go. this guy was immediately (and actually previously) in a relationship with another girl and therefore that door was slammed shut. i now believe God's hand was in that. i needed to be single when i transfered- i was about to meet the man i was to marry!!! but i hadn't known that yet and i longed for the comfort of this old relationship that was not good for me. plus, i had grown so much in my faith and trust in God that i knew he and i were no longer on the same page. sara groves wrote a song about this:
"i've been painting pictures of egypt
leaving out what it lacked
the future feels so hard
and i want to go back
but the places that used to fit me
cannot hold the things i've learned
and those roads were closed off to me
when my back was turned."
now, this guy did contact me twice, i believe. but by then i was dating my husband and i had no desire nor a soft enough heart to deal with it. i don't even remember what he said nor what i said in responce.
and then, one week after my wedding he wrote me. it was only a few sentances long but it included these phrases, "do you ever think of me?" and "oh well, it's too late now, he has won and i have lost." i was livid and crushed. i didn't respond because what could i say?!!! all i kept thinking was, 'there was a time when i wanted nothing more then to here that you thought of me or missed me. and now, after my wedding you taunt me?!!!!!!!!' i was so in love with my husband and for that guy to have the audasity to write me with those words.... now, years have gone by.
a few days ago i was given a choice.
he contacted me. this was a choice i had wanted for a very long time. the chance to tell him how much he hurt me. but as i though about it, i realized i was no longer angry and that i had, in fact, forgiven him. i thought about telling him that. but instead, beyond all of belief, i decided i had nothing to say to him at all. not in a mean way. i just had nothing to say. i am happy now. i've been married for three years and have beautiful baby girl.
but what power came with that choice. it gave me the chance to be free from any last remnant of hurt left in me.
he is a part of my history.
Day 28. Path.
9 years ago