the paths we choose

After having a facebook account, I have come to see the many paths my classmates have taken in the 7 years since high school graduation. However, the paths chosen seem to fall into three main categories: 1) College, a profession, marriage, and/or kids, and/or grad school, 2)The Bar scene, maybe a little college, still in hometown, and 3) Adventure, travel, no ties of relationships, etc. It's kind of hard not to think about what life would be like if I had chosen another way. Sometimes still being in my hometown with old friends sounds nice. I see their pictures of being together and drinking and having fun. Then I also see the people who fled completely and have traveled, and crossed the ocean, and lived in the jungle even, the mountains, near the ocean.

I (obviously) chose the path of college and marriage and kids. I think those things turn out in the way they are supposed to- especially in the area of children being born. I think the date of a child's birth was meant to be and planned by God before the creation of the earth (even if the parents didn't plan it).

But what would my life have been like? My husband and I still talk about moving somewhere, just for a while. But we have our little girl, now a toddler, who loves seeing her grandparents on a regular basis and I know they would be heartbroken to miss some of these early years of hers and another one should he/she come along. It really has seemed to me that the second my little girl was a born a clock began ticking loudly in my ear. Tick tick tick. She grows every single day. I can almost visibly see it happening. And now she's 17 months and we are like, "We wanted our kids close in age but that means we have to have another baby NOW?!!!" And it sooo limits us in our lifestyle and goal options. My husband is thinking of seminary- but how could we pay? Would I have to work to support us? What would we do with our kids? We would have to move. Move away from family- is it worth it? People with no kids do not have to deal with these issues. They can go out and stay out late. They can spend all of their money on themselves. Their houses stay cleaner longer. They get to be ridiculously selfish. Some days I want nothing more then to be selfish- if nothing else at least with my time.

But I also think about loneliness. I guess I have been blessed with never having felt lonely, at least not for a long extension of time. I guess maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. If I was a single woman traveling the world with all of that freedom and spontaneity and my very own money would I be lonely, deep down? Would I long for a nest of my own and the predictability of every morning being wrapped in a man's arms who has promised his life to me? Would I long to feel a baby growing inside of me? Would I long to be a mama with a stroller and a cool diaper bag and big sunglasses and an awesome tan because I get to be outside every day playing with my little one? I have that now. I have that now! And I love it! It is so good to remind myself that I chose this life because I wanted it. There are a lot of sacrifices, but really, in the summer, if I want I can go to the pool every single stinking day!!!!!!! In the fall we can go for walks with our dog and play in the leaves every day if we want. Year round I can put on our favorite music loud and dance like crazy. I live with a man who genuinely thinks I am the most beautiful woman he knows (although it has taken me awhile to actually believe that.) I do love my life. Just 2 hours ago I was out having lunch with my friends and their babies- so fun! When I really think about it- this is what I want for myself- this is what I have always wanted for myself. My husband and I will be young empty nesters (like my parents). We will be able to do so much then- and we will have more money to do it too (maybe) then if we didn't have kids now. A lot of people are waiting longer nowadays to have kids and they are having a good, free time now, and that's ok. But I like what I have. I love what I have. Look at those pictures of my baby girl there in the margin of this blog! And she loves me more then almost anyone in the whole world. Do you know what that is like?!!! And I love my little nest, woven and spun just the way I want it. I love inviting people to enter into it and feel welcomed and wanted and fed and happy here. Because I am happy. I am safe. I am wanted.
Okay. That's enough of that.
This is the path I have chosen. And seriously. I'm only 26!!! Who knows what else is in store for me.