questions and fatigue

"...continue to work out your salvation in fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose." Phillipians 2:12-13

This verse makes me think about the hard things Jesus said to his followers like, "I did not come to bring peace but a sword." (Matthew 10:34) I might not understand what that means exactly, but maybe I am to work through it with fear and trembling. I take fear and trembling to mean a deep form of humility and a reverent awe of the vastness of who God is. I think it means to trust that God is bigger and that He can see things I cannot and He knows things my mind cannot comprehend. Maybe I can attempt to rest in this truth, that God is good and I can trust Him. I can trust Him not only for the overall good, but for my personal good as well. This verse also encourages me that Paul (the author of Phillipians) is writing to people who had the same questions I have, even hundreds of years ago. So...

"I press on to take hold of that for which Jesus took hold of me....forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Jesus." (Phillipians 3:12b, 13b, 14)

There are just so many questions for me. But I do love God. There is NO question in my mind that He exists and that He is the creator of this world. All honest evidence points to Him. And I cannot then, help but follow that belief that this creator God is good. So good- the mountains, the sunsets, the stars, the ocean, waterfalls, flowers- they are good. Really, really good. That being said, I think it seems apparent that God wants us to see Him. The Bible says, "the God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth... He Himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else... He marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that we would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him- though really, He is not far from anyone of us. for in Him we live and move and have our being." (Acts 18:24-28) He wants us. He wants me. I feel so tired. But I have learned in the past that fatigue comes when I am empty. And if I am empty it is because I am not connected to my life-source, my nourishment, my heart's home. Him.

"I seek in myself the things I meant to say and lo! the wells are dry. Then, seeing me empty, You forsake the Listener's role and thru my dead lips breathe into utterance awake the thoughts I never knew." -C.S. Lewis