i want to eat my vomit again

what if you talked to me and you said all the things i wanted you say and said that you were sorry and that you think i am great and you said all of these things and it still hurt? would that fix it? what if i could have all of my questions answered to my satisfaction? could i believe you then? what if you acted sorry? what would that look like? how could i know you were ever sorry enough? what if i realized there was nothing you could do to fix it? what if i wanted to pretend that you ceased to exist?

why won't it to just go away????!!!
there is never an answer that quite works. it never really fixes the hole. and sometimes, as time goes on, it only gets worse. it festers. it gets compressed down tighter. it becomes skewed. the offense becomes more deliberate or personal or calculated over time. some facts might be omitted because memory becomes biased. context is lost. tone of voice or choice of words become exaggerated. and now, rather then a kink in the rope you have a huge, ratted knot. separating the facts and feelings and the intentions and perceptions is nearly impossible.
and the worst part of it all?
its you holding the knot. in fact, it's your knot. your nursed hurt, fueled flame, cherished resentment.

i write purely from experience.

the interesting thing though, is that while it seems that the offender holds the power, it is actually the offended.
the offender is powerless. they cannot undo what they did. it's done. they no longer have a choice.
but the offended does have a choice. author cynthia heald wrote, "forgiveness does not mean that the perpetrator goes free; it means that the forgiver is free and that God will justly deal with those who have caused pain."

to forgive does not mean what that person did was ok.
it does not mean that you weren't really hurt that badly.

what forgiveness is though, is a daily, sometimes hourly, decision.
it is a "continual cleansing of the wound so that it can heal properly" (floyd mcclung).
forgiveness is about the softness and wholeness and strength of one's heart.
forgiveness is given. freely. no strings attached.
resentment and unforgiveness are like cancer.
and it's not forgiveness if say that i forgive someone, but then stonewall them or shut them out. that is a way of trying to make them pay. and anyway, it won't satisfy the debt. author ken sande asked, "how would you feel if you had just confessed your sin to God and then heard His voice saying, "I forgive you- I just don't want anything to do with you again." ?... most people agree that they wouldn't feel the least bit forgiven. (We) cannot forget the direct relationship between God's forgiveness and our forgiveness."
the difficult issue is the question of trust. where is the line between true forgiveness and boundries with someone who brings hurt into our lives? i don't know the answer to that question.

i write this for myself. as a form of therapy. hurt and rememberence rear their ugly heads in unsuspecting moments. they take me off guard. sometimes it's just annoying. sometimes it feels like starting all over.
but what do the sleepless nights accomplish? what do the hypothetical conversations accomplish? what does the projection accomplish? nothing. just more pain. like eating my own vomit. why would i want to put back in my mouth what i already purged?




my nearly healed wound needs yet another cleansing, even just a small one.
so tonight i will say it again, somewhat out loud.

i forgive you.

because i am forgiven.