I will boast...

Be careful what you wish for. Or pray for.

There is no stench more putrid in my nostrils then the aroma that an arrogant person brings into the room. I am terrified of being arrogant. I pray for humility. But I am terrified of humility too. Ironically, just last week I read something Mother Teresa said: "To be humble, one must receive humiliations." Umm, yuck?

I was humiliated on Saturday.

Not, "Oh, I'm so embarrassed!" Or, "How awkward!" But humiliated. To myself. And that is the worst person to be humiliated in front of.

I had a massive anxiety attack. As in, I was at Target, shopping, and I felt kind of dizzy for a second and then felt dizzy again a moment later and then I started panicking. I was alone. Without my girls- THANK GOD. I have epilepsy (I'm not sure if I have mentioned that in this blog before) but have only had one 'real' seizure four years ago. Since then I have been very fearful of having another seizure. But on Saturday, the fear knocked me off my feet and flattened me. Dan had to come get me and literally walk me out of the store and drive me home. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't reason with myself, I couldn't even pick up my feet to walk. As I sat in that dressing room, waiting for Dan to show up, all I could do was lift my chin to heaven and think, "Help help help help help stop this dear God!" And as much as I was freaking out, I could think very clearly and found myself thinking things like, "Am I ever going to be able to go anywhere alone again? Am I going to be able to take my girls shopping, or to the pool or to play group?!!!! Whenever I want to leave the house during the day am I going to have to have someone with me? Who is going to be able to take me and two little girls in car seats anywhere? Are my little girls going to be stuck at home constantly because their mother is a drooling invalid?!!!!" But weaved throughout these dreadful thoughts were these other thoughts, images of the mother I could be, of the two roads I could choose: a bitter, fearful, withdrawn mother in a dark house telling her children to be quiet because she doesn't feel well, or, a mother who is wonderful, fun, an amazing blessing to her children, using her so called limitations to focus on her home and all those who live and enter into it. And those images, I don't believe, came from my own mind. I think God showed them to me.
I think this is not the end of my anxiety. I don't think this was a one time event. I have been ignoring my anxiety for a long time and it had to erupt at some point. I know I am going to have to take care of it. I am looking at this as the next leg in my journey, as opposed to just a bump in the road.
This is also going to sound weird, but I feel purpose in this. I think there is nothing more comforting then to have someone take your hand, look you in the eye and say, "I have been though this too." If you've never had anything bad happen to you, you can't relate to people in pain, or who are afraid, or needy.
I was already needy, now I am even more needy.
It is a mark just under my skin. I am less able to afford the luxury of waking up and thinking myself strong. It's what we all fear- but being broken is such such such a wonderful place to be.

Paul, from the Bible, is thought to have epilepsy also, and he said this:
"Therefore, in order to keep me from being concieted, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messanger from satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it from me. But he said to me, "My grace is enough for you, for my power is shown perfectly in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

I think God has set me up in this situation, knowing my personality and strength of character, to best cause me and give me opportunity to seek him and serve him and love him. And apparently that involves making sure I don't think I am awesome. The Bible says "all of the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be" and that God marked out the dates and place of our lives so that we would "seek him and perhaps reach out for him and FIND him, though he is not far from any one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being." I love God.

Do you have a 'messenger from satan?'
Have you ever been humiliated in front of yourself, even if no one else saw?
Ever been stuck in a Target store dressing room? lol

Peace. I feel peace.