How to use some one

I have a friend who has a big secret. He is fabulously wealthy. He's a multi-millionaire. I cannot fathom the amount of money he has- to be able to walk onto a car lot and think, 'I can have any car here. In fact, I could have three of them.' He is in his early 20s and he could buy any house in Des Moines. He probably will never have to work a day in his life. Here's his problem: he wants to find a wife. And not just a wife, he wants to find the love of his life. How do you do that when you are a millionaire?
So he has kept it a secret. It's really kind of romantic. Some girl is going to come along and fall for this average joe and upon her wedding day find out that he is virtually a king! I know he feels frustrated and lonely and is wondering when she will arrive in his life. And he knows he could probably have a wife tomorrow if he would only advertise his status. How tempting. But he is a smart guy. So he waits.

Tonight I am writing about using someone as a means to an ends.

On that note, why in the world would anyone want to surrender their lives to God? Doesn't it seem that it would be proof of God's love and existence if, once someone because a Christian, their lives became wonderful? If God has really 'saved' some people then why do they still get murdered? Why do their children get leukemia? Why are they not healed when they have a whole church praying for them and mass chain emails being sent out asking for prayers? Why don't all the non-Christians go bankrupt and get sick and have terrible relationships, etc, etc, etc.? Christians lives are no 'safer' then anyone else. God allows bad things to happen to even the kindest and seemingly most innocent. So what the heck?
Here's what I am thinking. God doesn't want to be used. He doesn't want to be reduced to a genie in a bottle, only summoned when we have a wish. There are lots of praying people in the hospitals. There aren't nearly as many in the parks. Being used hurts. I have no doubt it hurts God. I think praying in a time of need is better then not praying at all, but it still kind of hurts, I think. God is more like us then we realize in some ways (well, actually we were made in his image, so...). In one of his books, Phillip Yancey writes, "(It is implied) that God is not worthy of love in and of Himself, that people only follow God because they get something out of it.... God seeks, as a line from Handel tells it, "love unsought by price or fear." Love unsought by price or fear. How beautiful.
I think I might be a little mad at God right now. I think I feel let down. I think I feel like I should be getting more out of this whole relationship with him deal. I hate the silence. The physical separation. All of the unknowns. But mostly the silence. I know God speaks through his word. It is alive and active, I have felt it and heard it deep in my soul. I know God speaks through his majestic creation. But I am constantly surrounded by brick and even if I go a hundred miles, then I am surrounded with mud and corn. And maybe a few trees. Maybe I should move to the redwood forest in California and live in a tree house. I actually bet that would help. Maybe it's me. Maybe I have some sort of sin issue, some sort of strong hold that I refuse to acknowledge and deal with a let go of. Yuck yuck yuck I don't even want to divulge in there. What am I so afraid of? I think there are some people I am angry with that I don't want to forgive and let go of. I think I am afraid that God's plan for me involves moving my children down to the ghetto. I think there may be a secret from my past I don't want to tell. Why oh why is there ever accumulating crap in my soul?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why does the layer of dust continue to return? And why in the world do I insist on hoarding that cancerous muck inside? God is gentle. But I think he wants to rip the band-aid off quickly. And I am afraid.
I don't want to use God. I think a real lover will settle for nothing less then the best for his love. And the best involves wholeness. And to be whole must require healing. And healing requires honesty.
I'm just going to end here.