aww..... man, that sucks.

my sophomore year at northwestern college i was a cheerleader for the men's basketball team. during a time out my squad went out to center court to get the crowd on their feet and throw out some free t-shirts. There was one guy in particular, chuck, was being a really good sport so we decided that i would just hand him a t-shirt to make sure he got one (he was near the front).

so, we do our little cheer and then we start throwing out the t-shirts and i walk up to chuck and hand him a t-shirt. he begins to jokingly tease me by thanking me and shaking my hand really hard and not letting go. but then...

out of the corner of my eye i see another guy named matt. he has come out of the bleachers onto the court and is jumping up and down clapping his hands and the crowd is egging him on. now before i go on let me say two things. the first is that matt was very well liked and went on to be student body president. the second thing i want to do is describe for you what he was wearing. a referee shirt. big red (plastic?) overalls. a giant red cape. and a large, sparkly red old motorcycle helmet, which is very , very large.

matt decides to begin doing cartwheels.
no, he was quite sober.

i can see what is happening out of the corner of my eye, but chuck does not. remember? chuck is still shaking my hand. and not letting go.

matt's cape is now wrapped around his helmet. yet he is still going.

the timing was amazingly perfect. i yanked my hand free just in time for matt's foot to hook me around my neck and take me out.

it was a beautiful fusion of school spirit: cheerleader and bleacher creature united in a tumbling mass of red and white. i am absolutely positive i showed my spanks to every student, alumni, janitor, basketball player, parent, professor, and child there.

(pause: there are moments in your life in which you have a nano-second to make a decision. here were my choices: a) run crying from the basketball court, b) run screaming from the basketball court c) pass out. just literally pass out. or, d) shrivel up and die inside of myself and turn on 'robot morgan' to finish out the rest of the game.)

i chose d).