questions and fatigue

"...continue to work out your salvation in fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose." Phillipians 2:12-13

This verse makes me think about the hard things Jesus said to his followers like, "I did not come to bring peace but a sword." (Matthew 10:34) I might not understand what that means exactly, but maybe I am to work through it with fear and trembling. I take fear and trembling to mean a deep form of humility and a reverent awe of the vastness of who God is. I think it means to trust that God is bigger and that He can see things I cannot and He knows things my mind cannot comprehend. Maybe I can attempt to rest in this truth, that God is good and I can trust Him. I can trust Him not only for the overall good, but for my personal good as well. This verse also encourages me that Paul (the author of Phillipians) is writing to people who had the same questions I have, even hundreds of years ago. So...

"I press on to take hold of that for which Jesus took hold of me....forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Jesus." (Phillipians 3:12b, 13b, 14)

There are just so many questions for me. But I do love God. There is NO question in my mind that He exists and that He is the creator of this world. All honest evidence points to Him. And I cannot then, help but follow that belief that this creator God is good. So good- the mountains, the sunsets, the stars, the ocean, waterfalls, flowers- they are good. Really, really good. That being said, I think it seems apparent that God wants us to see Him. The Bible says, "the God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth... He Himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else... He marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that we would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him- though really, He is not far from anyone of us. for in Him we live and move and have our being." (Acts 18:24-28) He wants us. He wants me. I feel so tired. But I have learned in the past that fatigue comes when I am empty. And if I am empty it is because I am not connected to my life-source, my nourishment, my heart's home. Him.

"I seek in myself the things I meant to say and lo! the wells are dry. Then, seeing me empty, You forsake the Listener's role and thru my dead lips breathe into utterance awake the thoughts I never knew." -C.S. Lewis

this really did happen

In 1996, Marion High School added the 8th grade class to the high school building. I was in 8th grade that year. So, I was basically entering high school at age 13. And to my horror, I had to ride the bus there.
So. First day of school, there I am standing at the bus stop, with 3rd graders, waiting. And waiting. And waiting. The bus finally shows up and I get on board, only to join more 3rd graders and their lunch boxes on our journey to the first day of school. As I am contemplating what will happen next, it dawns on me that since the bus will be arriving late, no one will be there to see me getting off the bus! This is great! (As if anyone cared or would even notice that I was riding the bus.) By the time I get to school I have calmed down a little (a little) only to discover, as I walk faster and faster, that I cannot find my classroom. Room 11. Room 11. Room 11! Where is room 11?!!!!! I come around a corner only to see Mr. Singer. Now, Mr. Singer was a not-very-nice middle school teacher (the kind who seems annoyed that there are actually children in his classroom) who has magically arrived at the high school at this exact moment to make me feel like an idiot in my time of need. So I ask him, "Do you know where room 11 is?" To my recollection, he doesn't even say a word, nor turn his head, but jerks his thumb to the door to his immediate left, just feet from where I am standing. Of course. Of course I would be standing right in front of the room when I ask a mean teacher to please help me. Sigh. Ok. There it is. But then.
Just as I am about to open the door, an announcement comes over the loud speaker,

"Attention teachers: Please admit the bus students. They will be arriving late."
Ta- da! My grand entrance. Hello upperclassmen! I am a bus student!

I open the door. To my left, are my fellow eighth graders, their eyes kind of bulgy and blinking, too concerned with their own inner turmoil of the terrifying morning to even notice me. To my right are upperclassmen at tables all looking very directly at me, interested, in an unattached sort of way. At this point, the third graders on the bus seemed awfully appealing. I let the door slide closed behind me. I gulp. (Ok, I am assuming I gulped. I don't actually remember gulping.) I begin the slow walk to find a seat, eyes moving quickly, scanning the aisles, heart beating so slow I'm not sure it is going to continue and finally find an empty seat. Amazingly, it is between two friends. I sit. I think I hear angels singing as my rear touches the magnificent pine seat.

The class I am in is actually a study hall, thus explaining why there are both 8th graders and upperclassmen in the same room. There really is nothing to do the first day, since no one has school work, so I think we basically just sat there. (I don't remember.) Well, at some point I decide to redo my hair which has kind of fallen down out of the clip it is in. I take out the clip, set it on my desk and begin to re-twist my hair. Now, before I go on, let me explain something. The desk I was sitting in was actually one of those chairs that has an arm with a little table that can swivel up to make a desk or down to make just a chair. A flimsy little thing. Well, I knock my hair clip off of the desk. I reach for it. But not with just one hand. With both hands. I strain. I feel the tipping. I see the ground growing closer. I feel the dirty, hard carpet scrape my ear.

I have flipped my desk on top of myself.

And I have managed to pin both of my arms beneath the desk with all of my weight on top. A book slides down the surface of the desk and bangs me in the face. I wish I could say that I am making this up. I am not. The "friends" that I was sitting between were laughing and denying they knew me and later told me that I looked like a fish flopping around trying to get free. When I finally free myself I stand up, and yes, everyone is looking at me, including the teacher, who has this disgusted look on her face that suggests that she thinks I am trying to get attention. I say, in flat honesty, "Don't worry. I'm okay." And kind of bow my head to the teacher as if to say, "Please forgive me- I thought this would be a great way to get people to want to be my friend." I then touch me cheek. Blood. Yes, blood. The book that hit me in the face drew blood when it's academic corner stabbed me on my cheek. So I say, "Can I please go to the bathroom?" The teacher nods as if she is being so gracious to let me go to the bathroom to wipe blood off of my face.

And to think, just 30 minutes ago all I wanted to do was get off of that bus. And now, there is nothing more I could wish for then to be back on that bus, that cozy, warm, yellow bus with all of those cute, nice little 3rd graders. Tomorrow, I will smile at them. All of them. And in borrowing from Billy Madison I will say, "Stay here forever! Never leave 3rd grade!"

sorry for the current irony

the title of this blog is truthhope and ironically, lately, i feel like i have offered nothing but cynicism. that's just where i'm at right now, i guess. i wish i had something really beautiful to say today to inspire you (or myself), but i have nothing. it is really hard to get time to cultivate beauty inside of myself because i am so busy. and i don't mean busy as in 'i volunteered for 20 million things and now i'm too busy poor me". i mean, i knowingly decided to have a baby with my husband and ever since my life has been ransacked by a 2 ft. tall dictator. i really had nooooooooooooo idea. no idea. whatsoever. no idea. oh man............
trying to keep a house clean (which isn't actually happening), trying to take care of my 24 hr a day, 7 days a week boss, and trying to keep hold of my husband's hand in the midst of all this is, well, exhausting. by the time i have some free time i am too tired to even read a book or pray or whatever. plus, i know that there is more laundry or floor mopping that needs to be done. so then i feel guilty. i sometimes envy people who don't have spouses or children (no- i take that back- i do not envy people who don't have spouses. being married is AWEsome.). i guess there are trade-offs: freedom to come and go vs. coming home to an empty house. having to take care of someone vs. getting to take care of someone. the excitement of dating vs. the comfort and safety of someone seeing the real you and loving that completely. getting to spend all of your money on yourself vs. well... there is no downside to that! ;) i don't buy myself clothes any more. i always end up in the baby department- at least she looks good.
ok. the point i am trying to make is that i am sorry if i am depressing anyone reading this blog. i'm sure that soon i will have lighter things to write about. i just don't right now.
if you want to feel happier, read one of my earlier posts.

read this if you want to scare the beegeezes out of yourself. and then feel better. (maybe).

in 'searching for god knows what' by author donald miller, miller talks about how jesus did not come as the jews thought that the messiah would come. they expected a political powerhouse, a king, born into power to take over the world for the jews, god's chosen ones. but instead, the messiah came in the lowliest of circumstances- seemingly illegitimate, poor parents, born in a manger, not tall, dark and handsome, etc. miller talks about how difficult it would have been for the jews to shirk the ideas they had about the coming messiah and put their faith into jesus of nazareth. miller then poses the question,

what if jesus's second coming is the same?
what if he doesn't come at all the way we have pictured?

the jewish scribes had poured over the scrolls for hundreds of years and still never saw jesus coming. how likely is it that it will be the same the second time around? what if jesus comes again, to arkansas? what if he is hard to recognize, because we have been expecting something different?
we have books and books and theory after theory, and diagram after diagram as to how we think (or some even claim to 'know') Jesus will come back.

the jews were wrong.
is it possible that we are too?

this really puts into perspective how the jews in Jesus' day must have felt. the dilemma they must have felt! their relatives said Jesus was a crazy man! (david koresh, anyone?) they said he was mentally ill! they said he was demon possessed! haven't all of these things been said through the centuries about individuals who show up, claiming to be the messiah? what a difficult place to be.
there is something i am suspecting, though. just a thought. maybe knowing someone is different then just hearing about them or reading about them. maybe in the presence of false messiah figures one just knows. maybe doubt is a very different feeling then suspicion. i know in my life, the true, true, pure times i felt Jesus' presence, literal presence with me, i had no doubt. he is deep, and tangible, and fully good. He is a life changing experience.

maybe this is how we will know it is Him. in the bible Jesus says, 'my sheep know my voice'.
his voice. it is deniable. it is avoidable. but it is recognizable to those who have been listening to it.

it's hard, but maybe we don't need to be afraid. maybe i need to be quiet and listen.

girl crap- i thought we were done with this

Maybe this is going to come out really bad but I am going to say it anyway. I HATE girl competition. Especially the fake eating disorders. Girls who always order their food last so they can order less then you. Girls who say, "Let's go get dessert." and then change their minds once you've ordered yours. Girls who go to the bathroom immediately after eating. Every time. Girls who "don't like whole milk". Girls who blot the grease off of their pizza. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The need to be skinnier. Prettier. To always win EVERYTHING. To be tanner. To have more clothes. To be liked by more boys.

I know girls like this (obviously). One of them used to be my roommate. At the time I was struggling with my own weight issues and she was always playing these mind games with me (as listed above). But she never knew about my personal struggle because I wasn't trying to get attention. In college it is difficult to find a way to throw up in the bathrooms because they are public, multi-stall bathrooms. But I figured out a way. I would lock my bedroom door, make myself throw up in some tupperware container and then hurry down the hall to the bathroom, flush it and then wash it out. It was awesome. So cunning. My point is that my issue was very real. i wasn't trying to make others think I had a problem. I wasn't always running to the bathroom after meals.

So now, when I feel like a girl is competing with me in this way, I struggle with being really angry. Really, really angry. It's hard too, because I don't want to call them out on it because 1) I don't want to give them the attention they are trying to get and 2) I don't want to tell them about my struggle because I feel like everyone and their brother claims to have had an eating disorder. It is sooooooooooo annoying to me. Plus, some of that stuff is so subtle it would sound ridiculous and petty, "You always order last so you can order less the me" ? No, you can't do that. But girls are subtle. But subtle enough to be obvious.

Ok!!!!! You're skinner then me!!!!! I am fatter then you!!!!!!! Hooray for you!!!!!!!! Just leave me the hell alone!!!!

As girls we struggle with our weight so much anyway, just from our own judgments of ourselves. Why do some girls feel the need to do it to other girls too?!!! There is one girl in particular right now that is driving me crazy. (There's always one, isn't there?) I have been successful for a while now in dealing with my weight issues, I haven't made myself throw up for a long time now, but she is causing me to remember and think about it again. I don't want to give her that power, but it is such a weak spot and she is someone I cannot avoid. Plus, I like her, other then this.

I just hate the competition. And I am definitely not talking about sports. I thought by now (I am nearly 26- oh wow) that girls would be mature enough to not do this anymore. Maybe most are. I just happen to have one in my life right now who isn't.

I mean this nicely (I think) and truthfully: If you are reading this and you are one of those girls- knock it off. It is hurtful and you never know who is genuinely and privately struggling. And if you are a girl who is genuinely, privately struggling- write me: reeves.morgan@yahoo.com

tired.

I trust you, God. I choose to trust you. Something foundational, at the core of me says to. I trust you to show me truth. No, not even that, if it is not your best for me. I choose to trust you even if it means I will have no knowledge, not insight, no understanding. I choose to get over myself and my need to feel in control; to know details and context and correct interpretation and translation. I want to rest in simple trust. Child-like faith. Cleanse my heart of the debris I hoard. Sweep it out of me. I will trust you because I do know this: you are good. Knowledge can only go so far. I know because I am at a dead end. Not that I am even close to knowing everything. But in this maze I am at a stand-still. Which is a good place to be I think. In a weak voice and with tired eyes I say, "God? I trust you."

blogspot presents..... morgan reeves

Writing a blog is a really weird thing because one never really knows who the audience is. One entry might be written in hopes that a certain someone will read it giving you an uninterrupted forum, whether that means apologize, or berate, or profess undying love. An entry might be written to no one, a purging exercise. Entries may be written for oneself and only meant to let others look on. You can kind of tell by the tone of a blog. I think I have been a little moody on mine here- optimistic, funny, judgmental, maybe a little fearful. I just want to be honest. Vulnerable. Three dimensional. I think the most surprising thing to me is that this is where Jesus lives. In the gritty steps and tired shoulders of our lives. For me, it is the mediocre that is so itchy. Nothings wrong, but things aren't exactly right either. Don't get me wrong. I have a wonderful life. A baby who is healthy and sweet and funny. A husband I can talk to and who will sit out in his car in the company parking lot on his cell phone with me refusing to go inside until we have forgiven each other for the argument we had before he left that morning. He leaves no room for grudges or bitterness. He insists we keep our hearts soft toward each other. I have a home and a dog and a car and a cell phone and an awesome extended family. But those things do not make for a perfect life or bring complete peace in the quiet, pensive moments.

I think we can have joy in what is to come and the peace of God's presence now. But even when things are going good for me, there are others in my life who are hurting, lonely, grieving. The world is broken. It's a sad place. If you don't think it is then you are either living in a hole all by yourself or in a bubble where only happy fake people are allowed.
So, here is my point: if you are reading this you might be made uncomfortable, or offended, or validated, and hopefully, at some point, made to laugh. Those are my real thoughts and emotions and I hope to share them with you. Whoever you are. :)

amendment to "questioning my beliefs"

My last post was kind of ambiguous, I know. Looking back I think I was somewhat unclear. I guess what I was trying to say is that it is so tempting in this world to begin believing that truth is relative which, as I said before, is intellectual suicide. That being said, I also think it is far more tempting to close off your mind and cling only to what makes you feel most comfortable, to what you have been taught. What I meant to say is that Christians should not be afraid to hear what other people have to say about what they believe. As Christians, we think we are right about everything, and yet we can't even agree with each other on many issues! For example, women's role in the church or baptism practices. We write books about end times prophecy and even have charts diagraming how it will all take place. What I think we need to remember though, is that the ancient Jews studied the Old Testament for centuries. Beginning at age three they begin to memorize the whole thing!!!!!!!! And yet, in all of that immersion and waiting for the promised messiah, they never came up with Jesus.

I want to be open to God's voice and hold up what fellow Christians are saying to God's Word. And God's Word can be a very hard thing to understand sometimes as the Jews themselves have seen. Jesus came and He changed much of what God set up in the Old Testament. For example, in the OT Jews were to bring animal sacrifices to the alter of God. Jesus came to be the ultimate sacrifice and to fullfill that requirement of God's. With Jesus the Jews could beginning eating what were previously considered "unclean animals"; they were allowed to commune with Gentiles (non-Jews).

The New Testament can be just as confusing. Through the centuries Christians have changed some of the practices within the church citing cultural differences. Women are now permitted to speak in church and braid their hair and wear gold. (Interestingly enough, in Timothy the previous verse is considered a non-cultural issue- that of women being elders in the church.) It is my opinion that most of these issues which cause division in the church is not what Jesus wanted. I think that both wisdom and humility says, "We don't know for sure about these minor issues and so will will not let it divide us. We are the body of Christ."

That is what I meant when I said that there are very few things it is worth telling people they are WRONG about.

And I do believe in Jesus. I do love him. Sometimes my view of him gets polluted by the weight of this world. Jesus is always better then I remember him. The Church's purpose is to be Jesus on earth. We mess it up a lot. I mess it up a lot. A LOT. What I was trying to say previously is that I hope I never become so prideful that I think I have all of the answers about God. I want to point others to God who is good and all powerful and just. I don't want to try and get a person to become a Christian to confirm or validate my own beliefs, to get them on "my side". Truth is truth whether I've got it all right or not. Unfortunately, people can make the Bible say what they want it to say. The Church used certain scripture verses to justify slavery. And that was NOT that long ago.

Jesus said "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." Either we believe that is true or we don't. I do. I want everyone to know the truth and have the truth in their hearts. I just don't want to feel threatened by the fact that I don't know all the answers. I actually feel relief to know that I don't have all the answers and to know that God is bigger then me and that He is big enough to answer the deep, dark, and very hard questions in my soul.

writing in the sand: Jesus introduces tract evangelism

I guess I just don't want to be a puppet. I don't want to just tote the company line. I don't want to be a parrot. I am (possibly inappropriately) opposed to Bible tracts. People want real people, not directions like you get in the box with your new bookcase: "Step 1- Locate bottom shelf". God can't be reduced to a formula. He isn't in the 3 page tract people give out on street corners. If God is so smart why didn't He skip the Bible and just write a tract?

I know, I know. God does use those tracts to reach people sometimes. But I really cannot imagine that if Jesus was here today he would be handing out tracts at the bus station. I believe he would be doing, well, what he did in the Bible: visiting people in their homes, eating dinner with them, giving them food, talking with them about their real issues (their life story not- 'will you please agree with these three points here on this piece of paper?'). The Bible says that God is love and that love is action and deed. I think evangelism is messy and involves knowing someone and holding their hand and asking them questions and treating them as your EQUAL. People's lives are messy. A four step tract, however well intended, can be almost offensive to those whose lives are in complete shambles. Today I met with a teenage girl in foster care who needed so much more then a tract. I met a 72 year old african refugee living in poverty who needed food, prayer, and connections. My husband spoke last night with a guy who wants to have a friend, not be someone's project. I hope I never make someone feel like a notch on my spiritual belt. I hope I will always remember that I don't have all the answers, but only that I know Who does.

I do think that God has designed us all differently and that certain people work better in certain ways and respond better to certain circumstances, tracts included. I just don't get it. Maybe if you are in another country and cannot easily communicate the gospel, a tract would be helpful. I'm sure God uses them. It's just that I, personally, out of all the Christians I know, do not know one single person who was saved by reading a tract. But this is just my own personal experience.

I was once with a friend and we were with a group of believers, many of whom I did not know. Near the end of the night my friend looked into her purse and pulled out a tract. The same tract one of the guys had been carrying around earlier. It was so embarrassing. That guy had no right to stick that in her purse. I felt that he had intruded in my friendship with her. I felt that he was trying to take a short cut- and to pressure her. That's what tracts do- they impersonalize God. They make a relationship with Him seem like a business contract or a pyramid scheme. Tracts can exploit a relationship.

God wrote the BIBLE. It has love stories, poems, wisdom, instructions, commands. Not a check list. I heard a quote once, "Of 100 men, one will read the Bible; 99 will read the Christian." Another quote, "The greatest proof of God's love is a life that needs God's love to explain it." Maybe it's time Christians entered into the world of the hurting, the lost, the confused, the hardened. Not handing out tracts by sticking our hands out of the Christian bubble like a drive-thru window. Jesus said, "Go. And make disciples." Disciples. Not converts. To make a disciple involves much time and tears and living life together.

Wow. I probably am offending people. I hope I am not. I am intending to just be opening up dialogue. I also wonder what it would feel like to have someone try to give me a tract. Actually, now that I think about it, I have. The mormons have come to my door before. It was weird, feeling like a "secularist". I felt like a task, an exercise to be completed. Like they were told, "Go to this neighborhood and collect people.

What about "Who are you? What is your story? What are your needs? How can we love you? How can we serve you? How can we show you what our Jesus is like?"

questioning my beliefs

You know, sometimes I look around and wonder, "Is everybody faking it?" I guess I don't mean faking it in a devious way, I just mean in a "maybe if I pretend hard enough it will be true" kind of way.

Sometimes I stop and think, "Oh my gosh this is seriously CRAZY! How can this possibly be true? It doesn't even make sense."

Truth.
Something has to be true. Not everything can be true. As nice and tolerant and friendly as that idea seems, it is intellectual suicide. Maybe nothing that we humans have come up thus far is true. But it can't all be true.

I am queen of middle ground. I am good at mediating. My personality hates excluding others. I don't like to compete. I ran track in high school for the practices, not the meets. I HATED the meets. Why does someone have to lose so that someone else can win? It makes no sense to me. Plus, I wasn't very fast.

I don't like telling people they are wrong. Unless it is my husband. No, I mean on issues that are close to their heart. I know a wonderful older lady who is so passionate and brave and strong. But I feel that she finds her identity in the republican party. She believes that the republican party is America's ultimate Truth. To a point where I don't think she really uses her own brain. I would never tell her she is wrong to swallow anything and everything republican. I have honestly never even entertained the idea. I guess what I think is that there are very few things worth saying, "You are wrong" to someone. I REALLY believe the world is full of a lot of gray areas. This is mainly in part because I believe this world is fallen from it's ideal and perfect beginning. It is amazing to me that there is one thing that every single person in the whole world in every time and every nation can agree on. And that is this:

something's gone terribly wrong here.

and we are spending our entire lives trying to figure out what it is and how to fix it.

Christianity. I was raised as a Christian. Protestant. I used to loathe Catholics. Baptizing infants seemed ridiculous to me. One time I went to a Mass with a friend of mine (I was maybe in 3rd grade) and the priest went down the aisle sprinkling Holy Water and a drip hit me square between eyes and I swear I had a headache in that spot the rest of the day (Oh, the power of the mind!). I more recently watched a South Park episode and laughed for 3 weeks straight about their satire on the Mormon faith (they sang a song with the chorus "Dumb-dity-dumb-dumb-dumb" and it still gets stuck in my head sometimes.) John Smiths' found and then "lost" golden tablets were obviously fake.

It is really great to get to know people who believe differently then I do and who are willing to talk about it. I know many Christians who never leave the Christian bubble. It's safe there, you know? Because what if a "non- Christian" asks you a question that you don't have the answer to? After all, Christians do have all the answers. But Christians shouldn't be afraid if they have found the truth.

Truth is truth.
Shouldn't we all be in pursuit of that?

I am just wondering where the line is between faith and foolishness. I could have great faith in a rock. But my strong faith does not make it a god. I can totally not understand something, but that doesn't make it any less true. Ahhh!!!! Can I hope that God will honor my good intentions? In my attempts at humility? In my honesty with myself about how little I really do know? What would He say at the end of my life if I said to Him, "I didn't know the answers. I never took a hard stance. I was afraid of making a mistake. I was afraid of losing you." ?

I REALLY REALLY do believe in God. There is honestly no question in my mind about that. I really truly believe it is the only thing that makes sense of this world, and of us. And, I have felt Him near. Not very often. But I know what I have felt and it was outside of me. It was something Other. And it was good. These two beliefs are the foundation of my life. If I didn't believe in God, my life would feel purposeless. And I believe to have purpose is an innate human desire and right. We were made with individual purposes. We are important to someone.

After that it gets confusing. But again, I say, something must be true about who God is and what his relationship to us is. I believe it is vital to our very hearts and souls that we find out. We cannot say god is who you personally believe he is. And there is no such thing as "that is true for you, but this is true for me". Honestly, people. How can we even pretend that works?

I think we are afraid of the Truth. And I think that is because we are, deep down, worried that the Truth will not include us. That there is something wrong with us or it will somehow involve us doing something we don't like, involve us being shown for what we really are, deep down. And not all of that is pretty or something we want others to see.

But I guess I really believe that I shouldn't be afraid.

I think I believe in Jesus. I think i even love him. It makes a strange sort of sense to me that this good God would have to disguise himself in order to woo us, in hopes of getting us to fall in love with Him.


I want to be honest. I think we all should be honest. And hopeful. I think we should be hopeful.